been doing some thinking....

So, ive been doing some thinking and ive come to a few decisions...
At one point in my life i cared what you thought of my hair, my clothes, friends, and significant others...at one point in my life it mattered to me because i thought you would be there for me no matter what..i guesse now ive come to realize that it wasnt true...
As of right now i no longer care what you think of my hair, clothes, friends, or significant other..because you are hardly there in my life anymore...one of you isnt in my life at all and thats how you want it..i know you wont read this but its ok because it helps me..the guy im with now is AMAZING he loves my style, smile, yeah he loves it all..we have ups and downs but hey what relationship dont...but most importantly..hes THERE for me and will ALWAYS be there for me...unlike you, he wont make me chose between two things and if he did its best for me and hes going to help me through it...so continue screwing things up...
You pushed one of us out of your life by making her chose. now you are pretty much kicking another one out of your life because you spoiled her to much and now you "cant handle her", and weather you think it or not the other day you hurt that gurl more then you want to see..how can you sit there and let her almost fucking cry!! how could you not say something to the other person who is talking shit about her right there!!! what kind of bullshit is that!!! oh and joining the army may help you money wise but it wont help you in other places....Ive TRIED to talk to you and from this day on im making a vow to myself:
Unless you come to me..i will no longer try and come to you...unless you admit you need me as a fucking daughter in your life i will not admit to the fact i need you as a father...i will no longer need you as a mother as long as you keep trying to get me away from the man of my life...the one who took me in and gave a damn...i will no longer sit in his room and look at old pictures and cry because i miss you..because i know you dont miss me...and i will no longer attempt to see you...unless you prove you want to see me...
funny thing is ive known this family a year and already they are pretty much a hell of a lot better then you were...you know from the age of 1 to 10 i had grandparents and i got to see you every now and again..then you met him and i thought finally i get to have a family and now not even 8 years later...im once again without you and its ok i had a few laughs and i got a piece of what i want my family to be like but not much..because ill be there for my children...ill try and support them and treat them equally and i damn sure wont make them chose having a home or something else....

I know whoever reads this wont understand but its just a vent for a night...i cant explain it in the least bit way that wont be a complicated combobulation (haha love that word) but its making me feel better....it takes one fuck up to destroy all them that a boys' and guesse what...you fucked up big time :)

im sooo ready for my trip to florida with chris i think its going to be great if we could get it planned anytime soon...just a random thought..im going to try and get some sleep...
night loves..