blah...

So today ive decided to write in this color because it shows somewhat of my mood. to me red can mean love which i am in love. it can mean rage which i am deff in a state of right bout now. it can mean alotta things and it just describes me. i miss erynn i wish we were still hanging out all the time and yet i cant seem to tell her how i feel so if she reads this lol. i miss our friendship but i hate that once nick came around it seemed like you were ignoring me there were alotta days you didnt even tell me you were down and i coulda used someone to talk to.
depression everyone thinks they have it and i know i do i mean why else sit there and cry at night because of what people say or do. or the fact you cant find a job and you really want one. or the fact you feel like you lost someone important and now your hearts not in the right place. i know you were mad at me for halloween night but he offered and you shoulda told me hell right now me and her aint even talking. she will always be a back burner to me and you i mean look what weve been through and no im not in love with you im just saying lol.
on to other things. jobs im not getting right now because the world suxs like that and andrew my fiances brother will be home soon and i cant wait its been forever. randy is really excited he misses him alot and i can see why theyve been apart far to long.
wanna know a little secret? i like cheese lmao. dont ask i think imma get arieles on here so we can blog back and forth like we used to hell maybe even have erynnn join us i mean its been forever we need to just come back to tk and all meet up again.
i just noticed i use the word forever alot lol how stupid is that. my heads spinning and im shaking maybe the bc powder wasnt a good idea lmao. idk i needed to get rid of my headache and i did well at least till this bull started back up and now its all downhill again yayyy
oh and as for arkansas that happened for a whole week and i could not take it i mean the yelling everyday that would drive me insane and now im back in texas and loving life getting married soon and i couldnt be happier. most people are like you wont ever get out but i know one day deep in my heart i will get outta texas and travel the world randy for sure wouldnt not do it he wants to go to japan and i wanna go to russia so we have to study up on some of the languages hahaha...any comments let me know xoxo

Gahh its forever and a day before i get back on here i swear. so yeah time for some typing :).
to start with randys keyboard? yeah it still suxs ass lmao and as for alabama haha not happening...see i have this really good guy in my house right now named randy known him for ten years been dating him for three months and he decided that i was not aloud to go to alabama with casey. noo not in a bad controlling way but in a sweet im drunk and always loved you way. please stay here dont put me through the pain of loosing you. so yeah anyways
i get to drunk one night in the begining and go to chris blah blah blah itll always be used against me yesss i know this im not a complete idiot. but neways we get over this roadblock and hit a bout twenty more
now we have decided to take off and move to arkansas. him in a day and me following him up there in like four days. along with us will be the awesome mattman (aka matthew future brother in law), his somewhat annoying but been friends for awhile with roadblocks ashley, and there two wonderful daughters ellie and chloe. we are going into a two bedroom house and one bath. yeah six of us are going in that house...do you think itll work?
we dont know bout this so we have the plans for building on making tons of money and owning a mountain bahahahah then after that i can drag my luna (aka erynnn) up there so i dont have to loose her. she can be a play toy haha nahh i love that chika. then we will get my sister kara up there just because i have a psycho family and yeah i dont want her goin through the shit i did...oh wait she allready is..
<= this is a picture of my amazingly sweet boyfriend and his son vincent. yes i knew he had a son i will forever love him and his son and hate the bitch of a mom...yeah i just said that yes im like that. he is a year old and cute as ever esp when he says dad. the dragger is that we have to leave him here until we can win him over with other people then itll be a happy family. with vincent me randy and victoria...oh wait i didnt mention that..i may be prego..yeah trip out all you want i am happy and i wanna have a child sue me. but yea this pic is absoultly cute it just looks like they are arguing over who did something bad. which i imagine in the future will be how itll really happen. my stomachs rumbling but im sick :(. i get to see my grandma today for the last time for a little while sad day. i love her so much and i know ill miss her. shes the only one that has stood by me through it all family wise. ill maybe get to see my sisters saturday which is going to hurt i know. last time jessica said she hated me so this will probably result in me crying and what not. my mom who wants nada to do with me wants me not to move. ive been thinking bout why and then i rememberd that she prolly wants whats best for my sisters and thats me being near. but its only eightish hours away ill be able to visit.
i see erynn for one of the last times tommorow ill miss that chika more then anything. seems like shes the twin sister ive never had and i never get to tell her how much i really appreciate all that shes done for me. i know im leaving alot behind but i should be gaining some. i mean im starting a family in the mountains ill be able to visit and who knows maybe they can visit me one day :(? im happy yet sad about all this scared that something will go wrong with me and randy. worried bout it all..i know hes giving up alot but what if im not that girl? what would i do then
well i guesse imma get some sleep randys keyboard continues to suck i think ill buy him a knew one. update ya later. *kisses*
anya aka deathangel

sitting here trying to find myself

ok so its been like forever and a day since ive blogged but i think its bout time to. if you are reading this and you dont like how i spell i really dont care dont read it :D.

soo my amazing boyfriend chris, yeah we are no longer together. he spent so much time at the fire department and never had the time for me anymore. he had this bad habit of drinking and loosing his temper. if hed just change that we might be ok but you never know. anyways long story short i moved out i dearly miss tk in a way esp erynnnn.......i moved back in with my parents and within a month got kicked out
is there a record for that? cuz if there is i think i broke it :D
see my moms a bitch and i met a new guy casey. er maybe remet we grew up together his cousin is my ex and get this shit dating my sister now. he was trying to be my daddy and my mom was like well this aint your house he has a right. i say FUCK THAT SHIT i think its time to get randi a new keyboard cuz this one sticks :P
casey is an amazing guy hes taking me to alabama to meet his mom but then of course chris was great and had a few things bad. and sean was a great guy hed do anything for me well haha until casey got aholda him now he dont even wanna talk anymore cuz he couldnt keep his fucking promise ughhh men...haha
casey has a brother pat (short for patrick) and him and erynn are getting along realllyyy well its kinda cute. he never looses his smile after talking to her and he got out at a red light just to kiss her we were like awww!! the look on erynns face pricelesss i wish i woulda had the camera she blusheed she dont know she did but she did :D
im not writing much cuz i gotta fix the pool and become a lobster. ill elaborate more later
for now kissseessss :*

been doing some thinking....

So, ive been doing some thinking and ive come to a few decisions...
At one point in my life i cared what you thought of my hair, my clothes, friends, and significant others...at one point in my life it mattered to me because i thought you would be there for me no matter what..i guesse now ive come to realize that it wasnt true...
As of right now i no longer care what you think of my hair, clothes, friends, or significant other..because you are hardly there in my life anymore...one of you isnt in my life at all and thats how you want it..i know you wont read this but its ok because it helps me..the guy im with now is AMAZING he loves my style, smile, yeah he loves it all..we have ups and downs but hey what relationship dont...but most importantly..hes THERE for me and will ALWAYS be there for me...unlike you, he wont make me chose between two things and if he did its best for me and hes going to help me through it...so continue screwing things up...
You pushed one of us out of your life by making her chose. now you are pretty much kicking another one out of your life because you spoiled her to much and now you "cant handle her", and weather you think it or not the other day you hurt that gurl more then you want to see..how can you sit there and let her almost fucking cry!! how could you not say something to the other person who is talking shit about her right there!!! what kind of bullshit is that!!! oh and joining the army may help you money wise but it wont help you in other places....Ive TRIED to talk to you and from this day on im making a vow to myself:
Unless you come to me..i will no longer try and come to you...unless you admit you need me as a fucking daughter in your life i will not admit to the fact i need you as a father...i will no longer need you as a mother as long as you keep trying to get me away from the man of my life...the one who took me in and gave a damn...i will no longer sit in his room and look at old pictures and cry because i miss you..because i know you dont miss me...and i will no longer attempt to see you...unless you prove you want to see me...
funny thing is ive known this family a year and already they are pretty much a hell of a lot better then you were...you know from the age of 1 to 10 i had grandparents and i got to see you every now and again..then you met him and i thought finally i get to have a family and now not even 8 years later...im once again without you and its ok i had a few laughs and i got a piece of what i want my family to be like but not much..because ill be there for my children...ill try and support them and treat them equally and i damn sure wont make them chose having a home or something else....

I know whoever reads this wont understand but its just a vent for a night...i cant explain it in the least bit way that wont be a complicated combobulation (haha love that word) but its making me feel better....it takes one fuck up to destroy all them that a boys' and guesse what...you fucked up big time :)

im sooo ready for my trip to florida with chris i think its going to be great if we could get it planned anytime soon...just a random thought..im going to try and get some sleep...
night loves..

anything goes when everythings gone

Ok i have decided im staying in one color this time...i think....Its been a couples of weeks since ive updated this thing so where to start where to start...
OH!!!! lets start with the fact that i have a new friend i dont want them. He is this ugly little rat thats at my jobbb. Wil seen him today and was like hey you have a rat i was like duh i told you that so he gets down and looks under the table and was like theres the nest. About that time Aaron comes in and we had to explain to him what was going on so then he gets down on all fours. it was funny as hell!!! then they were like oh well we have to go back to work have fun...so yeah im left with that stupid icky thing...
Next would be me and my man...We havent been doing to well latley and i really dont like it :( im starting to wonder if something is bothering him other then me..you know what i mean? i mean one minute we are great and the next arguement city for us and yes i admit sometimes it is me and i know it is but it takes two to tango just like it takes two to fight. so yeah i hope things are going to turn around soon because this tends to hurt just a little bit. esp when im told where the door is. yeah i gave up EVERYTHING pretty much to be with him and i dont want to give him up just like that *snaps fingers*
my dad and my uncle are dumbasses and have decided they cant find a job anywhere here so they are joing the army....hoooahhh!!!! NOT!!! i mean just because my family wants to ignore me and my so called father doesnt want to claim me anymore dont mean that i dont still care...and yeah they havent talked to me in forever unless its something bad like oh hey your dad is shipping out at the end of this month!!! yeah thanks for the fucking heads up..oh or my other favorite, your fifteen year old sister is engaged want to be a maid of honor? the wedding is in 2014. hell to the no i dont want to be youve known this dude for a month, hes a gangster, and hello you are 15!!!!!
im trying to lose weight now so i am working out on the wii just about everyday and my weight is going up and down up and down its such a pain...i also go and work out at the gym with erinnn...personally i prefer doing that because she is great to talk to and to me we have a blast swimming and working out..kind of like the day she couldnt get her machine to work and when she did steven called who is now home i think...i dont care though anymore...
my bf is sooo cute when hes asleep i have just realized this..no i have known this..speaking of bf...we are talking about going to florida for a week!! i have never been and we want to see uncle tim so we are driving down there we think...
kourtneys uncle died this week and im debating on weather or not kayla and chad are going to make it i mean they fight and break up every damn week..what kind of relationship is that???
im tired time to go to sleep and all this typing is hurting my wrists..
night world....

maybe its me? hmmm...

i have not been on in awhile and i needed somewhere to put how im feeling right about now...my life is going great..i have a job and a car thanks to chris's mom...i still have the most amazing man in my life but i still have one problem...
i have a friend that i thought i was growing close to, maybe she didnt see it that way but i did, anyways. i think we are growing apart.:(..i really dont want to because she doesnt realize that i was feeling a little better...she was like all the friends i used to have and i left back home...and it sucks because ever since something that happened we hardley talk anymore..hmmm...maybe its just me, maybe i did something wrong and didnt realize it....maybe one day iill actually talk to her bout it haha...idk just thouggts going through my head...
like for instance when me and chris move out together how are things going to go? i mean bills are going to be one thing but if he gets that job in louisiana that means days alone in a new house and its crazy and upsetting...i love him and his family with all my heart and i know if it werent for them i wouldnt be this far even right now...and i know its going to be hard...i just hope we can do it...
and for the last couple of things, i got to see kourt one of my only bf that i have got to see since i moved up here and it was a blast....and my dear brother steven is coming home in a couple of weeks like 26 days and he dont want to see me and i understand that but yet it hurts...oh well im getting off here just had to get some things off my chest....
Love candi

just an update....

its been tooo lonngg haha...no seriously i need to do an update. get some things off my chest...but where to start???
A very dear person passed away last weekend...Chris's dad...Mitch Poole and we all love and miss him...i wont elaborate because i know that erin aka panda will...and because i dont wanna be upset or upset anyone...
ok next this past weekend i went to louisiana. it was me, chris, panda, josh, and amanda....Amanda is Josh's new girl shall we say.. and she is awesome haha. she is not preppy like kristi. she is pretty...and she is laid back and its fun haha...
anyways me and erin went and stayed at the hotel and chris and the other two went to the club. Let me tell you he came home tore up and was emotional as ever i mean wow. he was happy then sad then happy then mad and it was funny in a way but it was sad...he told me that he loved me and always will and he never wants to lose me..the sad thing is the drunks tell the truth so i know he has never cheated on me now and that he truly loves me...
I got erin drunk for the first time this weekend haha and it was the shit she didnt drink much but we had a blast since the other three had left again. i mean woowwww haha we were singing and dancing and its been a while since i had a girl that is that close to me. we went to the pool and were afraid of falling in even though it wasnt deep. we went to the water park before that and there were cuuutttee life gaurds and i got stuck in the lazy river.
I am still currently trying to find a job to no avail because its not easy...and im in a dilema with two friends kayla and chad they are datin. and they are close to breaking up...i just dont know about them two she does things to make him mad so he will start a fight then blames him because he fights...i mean grrr...why you gotta do that to each other if you so in love. and yeahhh this thing is totally long
Mrs. Panda i think you should tell kevy how you feel like that note i read haha and have you text him yet? Prolly not i know but oh well its all good. he prolly thought it was cute...
my baby is asleep haha and imma quit typing for now because i dont want this to be forever and a day long...
get back on here later...