been doing some thinking....

So, ive been doing some thinking and ive come to a few decisions...
At one point in my life i cared what you thought of my hair, my clothes, friends, and significant others...at one point in my life it mattered to me because i thought you would be there for me no matter what..i guesse now ive come to realize that it wasnt true...
As of right now i no longer care what you think of my hair, clothes, friends, or significant other..because you are hardly there in my life anymore...one of you isnt in my life at all and thats how you want it..i know you wont read this but its ok because it helps me..the guy im with now is AMAZING he loves my style, smile, yeah he loves it all..we have ups and downs but hey what relationship dont...but most importantly..hes THERE for me and will ALWAYS be there for me...unlike you, he wont make me chose between two things and if he did its best for me and hes going to help me through it...so continue screwing things up...
You pushed one of us out of your life by making her chose. now you are pretty much kicking another one out of your life because you spoiled her to much and now you "cant handle her", and weather you think it or not the other day you hurt that gurl more then you want to see..how can you sit there and let her almost fucking cry!! how could you not say something to the other person who is talking shit about her right there!!! what kind of bullshit is that!!! oh and joining the army may help you money wise but it wont help you in other places....Ive TRIED to talk to you and from this day on im making a vow to myself:
Unless you come to me..i will no longer try and come to you...unless you admit you need me as a fucking daughter in your life i will not admit to the fact i need you as a father...i will no longer need you as a mother as long as you keep trying to get me away from the man of my life...the one who took me in and gave a damn...i will no longer sit in his room and look at old pictures and cry because i miss you..because i know you dont miss me...and i will no longer attempt to see you...unless you prove you want to see me...
funny thing is ive known this family a year and already they are pretty much a hell of a lot better then you were...you know from the age of 1 to 10 i had grandparents and i got to see you every now and again..then you met him and i thought finally i get to have a family and now not even 8 years later...im once again without you and its ok i had a few laughs and i got a piece of what i want my family to be like but not much..because ill be there for my children...ill try and support them and treat them equally and i damn sure wont make them chose having a home or something else....

I know whoever reads this wont understand but its just a vent for a night...i cant explain it in the least bit way that wont be a complicated combobulation (haha love that word) but its making me feel better....it takes one fuck up to destroy all them that a boys' and guesse what...you fucked up big time :)

im sooo ready for my trip to florida with chris i think its going to be great if we could get it planned anytime soon...just a random thought..im going to try and get some sleep...
night loves..

anything goes when everythings gone

Ok i have decided im staying in one color this time...i think....Its been a couples of weeks since ive updated this thing so where to start where to start...
OH!!!! lets start with the fact that i have a new friend i dont want them. He is this ugly little rat thats at my jobbb. Wil seen him today and was like hey you have a rat i was like duh i told you that so he gets down and looks under the table and was like theres the nest. About that time Aaron comes in and we had to explain to him what was going on so then he gets down on all fours. it was funny as hell!!! then they were like oh well we have to go back to work have fun...so yeah im left with that stupid icky thing...
Next would be me and my man...We havent been doing to well latley and i really dont like it :( im starting to wonder if something is bothering him other then me..you know what i mean? i mean one minute we are great and the next arguement city for us and yes i admit sometimes it is me and i know it is but it takes two to tango just like it takes two to fight. so yeah i hope things are going to turn around soon because this tends to hurt just a little bit. esp when im told where the door is. yeah i gave up EVERYTHING pretty much to be with him and i dont want to give him up just like that *snaps fingers*
my dad and my uncle are dumbasses and have decided they cant find a job anywhere here so they are joing the army....hoooahhh!!!! NOT!!! i mean just because my family wants to ignore me and my so called father doesnt want to claim me anymore dont mean that i dont still care...and yeah they havent talked to me in forever unless its something bad like oh hey your dad is shipping out at the end of this month!!! yeah thanks for the fucking heads up..oh or my other favorite, your fifteen year old sister is engaged want to be a maid of honor? the wedding is in 2014. hell to the no i dont want to be youve known this dude for a month, hes a gangster, and hello you are 15!!!!!
im trying to lose weight now so i am working out on the wii just about everyday and my weight is going up and down up and down its such a pain...i also go and work out at the gym with erinnn...personally i prefer doing that because she is great to talk to and to me we have a blast swimming and working out..kind of like the day she couldnt get her machine to work and when she did steven called who is now home i think...i dont care though anymore...
my bf is sooo cute when hes asleep i have just realized this..no i have known this..speaking of bf...we are talking about going to florida for a week!! i have never been and we want to see uncle tim so we are driving down there we think...
kourtneys uncle died this week and im debating on weather or not kayla and chad are going to make it i mean they fight and break up every damn week..what kind of relationship is that???
im tired time to go to sleep and all this typing is hurting my wrists..
night world....

maybe its me? hmmm...

i have not been on in awhile and i needed somewhere to put how im feeling right about now...my life is going great..i have a job and a car thanks to chris's mom...i still have the most amazing man in my life but i still have one problem...
i have a friend that i thought i was growing close to, maybe she didnt see it that way but i did, anyways. i think we are growing apart.:(..i really dont want to because she doesnt realize that i was feeling a little better...she was like all the friends i used to have and i left back home...and it sucks because ever since something that happened we hardley talk anymore..hmmm...maybe its just me, maybe i did something wrong and didnt realize it....maybe one day iill actually talk to her bout it haha...idk just thouggts going through my head...
like for instance when me and chris move out together how are things going to go? i mean bills are going to be one thing but if he gets that job in louisiana that means days alone in a new house and its crazy and upsetting...i love him and his family with all my heart and i know if it werent for them i wouldnt be this far even right now...and i know its going to be hard...i just hope we can do it...
and for the last couple of things, i got to see kourt one of my only bf that i have got to see since i moved up here and it was a blast....and my dear brother steven is coming home in a couple of weeks like 26 days and he dont want to see me and i understand that but yet it hurts...oh well im getting off here just had to get some things off my chest....
Love candi

just an update....

its been tooo lonngg haha...no seriously i need to do an update. get some things off my chest...but where to start???
A very dear person passed away last weekend...Chris's dad...Mitch Poole and we all love and miss him...i wont elaborate because i know that erin aka panda will...and because i dont wanna be upset or upset anyone...
ok next this past weekend i went to louisiana. it was me, chris, panda, josh, and amanda....Amanda is Josh's new girl shall we say.. and she is awesome haha. she is not preppy like kristi. she is pretty...and she is laid back and its fun haha...
anyways me and erin went and stayed at the hotel and chris and the other two went to the club. Let me tell you he came home tore up and was emotional as ever i mean wow. he was happy then sad then happy then mad and it was funny in a way but it was sad...he told me that he loved me and always will and he never wants to lose me..the sad thing is the drunks tell the truth so i know he has never cheated on me now and that he truly loves me...
I got erin drunk for the first time this weekend haha and it was the shit she didnt drink much but we had a blast since the other three had left again. i mean woowwww haha we were singing and dancing and its been a while since i had a girl that is that close to me. we went to the pool and were afraid of falling in even though it wasnt deep. we went to the water park before that and there were cuuutttee life gaurds and i got stuck in the lazy river.
I am still currently trying to find a job to no avail because its not easy...and im in a dilema with two friends kayla and chad they are datin. and they are close to breaking up...i just dont know about them two she does things to make him mad so he will start a fight then blames him because he fights...i mean grrr...why you gotta do that to each other if you so in love. and yeahhh this thing is totally long
Mrs. Panda i think you should tell kevy how you feel like that note i read haha and have you text him yet? Prolly not i know but oh well its all good. he prolly thought it was cute...
my baby is asleep haha and imma quit typing for now because i dont want this to be forever and a day long...
get back on here later...

in a hicktown!!!!

someone help me!!! sometimes i wonder if he really cares about me, if he really loves me or not because all he cares about is the fire department. i mean dont get me wrong its great that you are in it and i support you but DAMN there is a thing as tooo mucchhh and you have gotten there. hell even your friend says that if he has a girl that he would pay more attention to her then to the fd and hes a freaking captain!!! sorry to say it but if something happens its going to come down to me or the fd. and i love you and i dont want to lose you but...yeahh...
Next order of buisness a job...i need one and hopefully i got one..i had a first interview today and now im waiting on the second one...hopefully its a good thing cuz i really need this job i mean really. i need the money for a car and a place of my own.
im sooo tired of rain i mean gahhh....haha
erin wont get drunk without me i would have to beat the tree down haha....ill type more later im doing my hair right now....
hate me if you want to, love me if you cann

Update on my life weather its bs or not

yeah so heres how things go...
I told you things would not work out but did you listen to me? no you didnt because you think im dumb...well guesse what i was right do you feel dumb now? of course not thats not you at all you just want him back. even if he did spend 5000 of your money that was suppose to go to helping your life!!!
but tonight is not about ranting and raving its about hurting...and loving....
i dont like crying i really dont but i have not choice. i have lost almost all of it. i can no longer talk to you when they are around and you dont know how much that hurts me. thats like you have to hide your relationship from everyone. im your niece i should be able to talk to you when need be. FUCK them they are stupid but if you want it that way *looks away* then so be it. ill sit in the corner and wait for my name to be called. the day when you say heyyy i remember my niece whom i love and i wanna talk to her...i just want you to know that i love you and i will always love you no matter what happens.....
imma quote shinedown- " tell my mother tell my father ive done the best i can to make them realize this is my life i hope they understand. im not angry im just saying sometimes goodbye is a second chance" this is soooo truueee and most dont realize it...haha i have had to say goodbye to so many people weather it was for a death or just because of family...
I cant wait till this weekend it should help mee sooo much and i truly hope that it will because i need it. Chris needs it and so do Chad and Kayla.....theres going to be all sorts of fun up there weather it rains or not haha...which the weather is freaking cool as hell i am loving it now you just dont even know.
im sooo lossttt right now it aint even funny they say dont think about it just forget it...yeah well its hard to...you have so many people turn their back on you and then the one person that you think wont do it does it...it may not be all the way but the sting is still just as bad...its ok though im made of gunpowder and lead :) and i will get through this.
my grandmother always said this wont be easy but you will be very strong one day...and you know what...shes right and i love her and everyone else no matter what happens...
Bedtime peoples....night and may the stars watch over you

venting and not today

forgot my blog password freaking go meee!!!
im trying to find a job and its the biggest pain in my ass that i have to put up with. Im trying all these stupid mother f-in places with no damn luck whatsoever and my bf...god help him keeps reminding me i need a job. NO SHIT SHERLOCK!!!!
Next we have this fucking war thats going on thats bullshit. familes are destroyed and guys who are the sweetest ever leave and come back and they are never the same again. we love them though no matter what and have to be patient with them.
On a good note i got to see and talk to my friend over in iraq i miss him bunches and wish he were here everyday. and maybe one day he will be...scratch that he will be one day soon in august just a little while longer
Maybe Matt is finally growing up because he has lost all of his friends...let me leave some hints for you matt.
1. leave that bitch you call a life she will never be good for you never has been never will be. when you leave her you can have something we call a life.
2. Get rid of Randy or get him off of drugs that way maybe you two can get shit straight. even though you know he talks shit about you which i dont know why your with him.
3. get off the vitamins and get a job a good life and the babies!!! they need you grow up babe grow up.
My baby wants to do something tonight but he dont know what go figure its a guy thing haha you say anything you want they say its up to you haha go them

stupid mother heffers who are sorry assholes

there are many and i mean many sorry mother fuckers in this world..they sit there and they say shit like this: I love this girl but i would prefer to live my life without her..Erin is amazing i would love to be with her after this. she does something this person cant do and thats makes me happy and thats what i want but shhh its a secre :)...and then they turn around and BAM the sorry fucker pulls a fast one and all of a sudded dont give a damn about you or your feelings...and he goes back to that sorry ass wife of his that dont know how to treat a damn guy even if her life DEPENDED on it she wouldnt be able to...but you know what haha its your damn loss not hers...shes the best you could get any guy would be lucky to have her...erin i luvs you bunches...haha
then there are guys who know their girls are sorry and plan to leave them..yeah i hope it happens it would rock to be able to say yeah thats my bro and it be true or something...oh oh and then erin will have children and ill be an aunt!!yayyyyy!!!! and i can spoil them and hype them up and send them back to her cuz thats what ill do yup yup yup
see unlike some of you dumbasses erin will make something of herself and have a husband that is worth something that wont fuck her over and wont have to worry about who gets what when they divorce...
well thats it for now its after midnight almost one soo ill have more as the day progresses
its amazing you know someone for about ten years and in the course of a week one person who should fucking die can fuck the whole godd damn thing up!!! you know everyone always talks about being an adult and then they cant even be one there fucking self haha woww im 19 and im more mature then you will EVER be!!! i keep trying to not let my anger control me but mother fucking son of a bitch you make this shit hard as hell!!!

time to vent while i calm down

hmmm where to start where to start..ok we will start with this...
Let's start with stupid bitches who fuck up there own life and blame others for there problems...she gets pregnant and then married then she treats a great guy like shit for months upon months and now she wont let him divorce her...she is delusional and she started shit with me and my somewhat sister,erin, yeah BIG fuck up. you dont fuck with me or my family weather they are blood or we are just that close..sorry no no girl..you better hide when that baby pops out and hope like hell that you dont throw a first punch at me because bitch it will be all over for you and i mean all of it will be over..youll be lucky to not be in the hospital..hahaha the thought of you laying in the hospital for something other then spreading your legs is fucking hilarious. *stops for a minute* yeahhh and that baby of yours is sooo cute to bad she may be gone from you pretty soon i mean you dont need her you dont deserve her at all you cant take care of her in most of the way she needs...now off of you as the subject...

Next is my boyfriend chris...

i love him to death i really do..i love being with him and not being an hour apart like we used to be..but there are some things i dont love hmmmm: His attitude can be horrible and a little scary..you would figure that he would stop and think this girl gave up her life her friends, family, and school for you be a little nice but does he? nooo he dont he gets pissed at a lot of shit and a lott of it is bull and then he says he lets me stay at his house..he dont pay the fucking bills his mom does and i told him before i would leave no questions asked....and what do you say honey? no i like you being here...Second thing is whenever you have to know where i am everytime i leave the house but nobody has to know about you??? i dont think so that is a sign of cheating and i dont like tha sign at all...but i love you so i put up with the shit no matter how bad it gets...i gueses you can say love conquers all...*starts laughing*

omg do guys not know how to fucking listen!! do they give a damn about the way a girl feels??? HELL NO!!! that would mean caring for someone othere then themselves stupid fuckers...great sometimes horrible others....

Me and erin are going to run away...we wanna go to the beach and i think it would be the shit if we did..she can come back but i dont wanna im tired of the bs and the heartbreak and what not...its not like they would all miss me...he thinks that i will hurt erin if i leave but i dont know...do you think i would? i mean i wouldnt wanna hurt her she has been here for me more then he has her bro chris yeahhh ha ha funny aint it...

so heres what im thinking me and her pack our stuff in the dead of the night and just leave we take our phones and when they worry they can call us and we may or may not pick up...we go through all the states and end up in cali on the beach...we live there for a little while then go to another state that has a beach..or tennessee next then another beach place..yeah that sounds good...if only it would happen...

staring down the barrell of a 45 is an extremely good song like it describes sooo much in such littel time...

STUPID BITCHES NEED TO QUIT CHEATING ON GREAT GUYS!!!! sorry its outta my system ha ha you thought!!!
if you have a great guy that thinks the world of you and wants to give you everything you want why the fuck you going to cheat on him and play him...come on open your fucking eyes there arent many good southern country guys anymore out there they are rare and you need to treat them right..yeah that song heartless that fucking song is dedicated to you and you alone...all the dumbass cheaters out there who dont have a heart and dont give a fuck about the one they cheated on.. i mean gah how much of a dick or a bitch can you be??? Oh and BROS BEFORE HOES the person who said that can go the fuck to hell your just jealous ha ha...

if i ever find out someone is cheating they will regret him and the bich he was with...you know what im saying???

i got bored one night and did this pic i love how it looks its not a negative effect or anything like that its just...me and the way it looks...people say im evil and imma bitch..im only a bitch when i need to be and i just look evil so those who fuck with me quit...some who know me well enough know that im a good person..im a loyal gf despite what dumb bitches tell you and if you need me im there imma good friend...i just have a bad reputation yes i gave my teachers hell no i dont care really haha they deserved it...

i dont care who reads this because it helps me talking about what is going on and trying to calm down about it..i dont like the fact people talk shit and say things but cant back them up they just wanna try and get the last word..you can have the last word and as a bonus ill throw in letting you look like a dumbass and not me so stick that in your juice box and suck on it bitches!!!

my friend came back to me today he actually started talking to me after all the shit we have been through and it feels great and my other one started talking to me after that dumb bitch did a number on him stupid fucking cheaters....

ok i think im done...for now

peace and love bitches *blows kiss*